Create Big Brother Bedlam

If this year's Celebrity Big Brother is an experiment in how interiors affect your emotional psyche, then game on Channel 5! For the CBB House, full to the rafters with references of sorcery and witchcraft, has cast its ugly spell.

By now it's likely you're getting a bit bored of the bitching (very Un-Glamuary). But don't switch off too soon - you can always turn the TV on mute and focus instead on some cracking House Candy.

Anyone else loving the gorgeous Birdcage chandeliers dotted about the place? Whilst the real thing requires something of a celebrity pay cheque, it's easy to create a similar vibe using a wire cage and a simple string of fairy lights.

In the CBB bedroom department, things are less horny and more thorny than in previous shows. Still, a wicked witch has to put her pointy toes up somewhere and she should find this year's collection of pretty painted iron bedsteads a welcome change from her usual sleeping conditions.

I've got the very similar Primrose bedstead from www.next.co.uk in my guest room. Concerned it was a bit Prom Queen and not enough Rock Princess, I styled it with some sexy animal print sheets from www.very.co.uk It's now the perfect place for poor little Patsy to hide in her cute matching Onesie.

But it's here in my French inspired Darcy Bed from the dream makers at www.loaf.com where I await true love's kiss. This mattress is so comfy that in all my thousand year's slumber I have never felt a single pea. And in this Super King version there's more than enough room for a Handsome Prince or two. 

Elsewhere in the CBB house it has been slightly disturbing to note many more similarities between Big Brother's decor choices and my own.

1) There's the big owls and their eerily silent gaze...

2) There's the abundance of parody in the form of trompe l'oeil wallpaper… 

3) There's the unnecessarily large, cauldron-like silverware…

4) And there's the poor animals turned to stone…

All I need is a secret Diary Room  - oh and one of THOSE Abigail Aherne lamps please and I can host the next series! So Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it's off to therapy I go ... but what of this year's housemates?

Will the handsome Anglo/American Prince find true love charading as an ugly sister?

Will the wicked stepmother be choked by her home grown poison Ivy?

Will good overcome evil and Cheggers land a new TV contract? 

Spoiler Alert  - I have it on good authority that Big Brother's Fairy Godmother will send them all safely home, a little richer and a wee bit wiser. And of course they all live happily ever after in the land of make believe. Well apart from Katie Hopkins, who turns into a fat, lazy, ginger haired frog, named Charmaine.

The morale of the story: Decorate wisely and NEVER trust a snooty cow with a crooked nose.

The End.

P.S Thank you to the Genie that came up with the brilliant idea of auctioning off all the CBB furniture for charity - Grab your little bit of Big Brother Bedlam here www.gumtree.com